alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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