I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
