We're facebook friends in real life
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize