This is not my ceiling
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
