The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
