Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
