just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
