What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize