batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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