I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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