I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
