I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
