dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
