Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
And then my night got REAL pukey
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
