Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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