At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
