3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
