Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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