Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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