Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
