Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
