the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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