Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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