If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
