so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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