At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
