I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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