im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
