I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize