Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
