maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
