I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
