So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
