Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
