Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
