I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
