I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
