I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
