I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
