the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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