before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
