They should really pass out barf bags in church
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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