party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think my fart just growled at me.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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