I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
