I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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