You're my little dorito
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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