In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So much rum. So many feels.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
