I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He shit in the fireplace
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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