This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
