life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
