I just made out with a guy for $7.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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