i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
