it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
