So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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