Duck Duck Cougar?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
