Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
