Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
