You just made me feel so damn special
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
