Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
