im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
