I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
