I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I don't deserve a penis
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
