can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Rumble strips road head = magical
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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