just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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