At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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