Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize