I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
