It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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