my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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