Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My bed smells like the plague
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
