I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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