one two three fourrrrnication!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
