I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
