OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
