the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
